A Grief Observed

When Grandpa lost his spouse of 76 years, it was not without a grief observed. The more he thought about her, the more he would think about times long past. In his 94-year-old mind, she was always beside him, she always held his hand, she was the one who introduced him to know Jesus Christ.

Like all immigrant families, Grandpa put making money and working hard, a top priority. After all, with 5 children, only he and Grandma (“mom”) were responsible for raising them. The grocery store they owned on Delridge for 30 years, opened 7 days a week, 10 hours a day. He made sure mom would always be seated at the counter in front of the cash register while he ran errands -- even the children would all be required to help out washing pop bottles, cleaning ice cream machine, mopping floors. Through long hours, toil and hard work, he was able to put his children through college. Life was at best hard, but times were good. Even with his meager savings, Grandpa was able to invest in rental properties. He was a man of foresight, fortitude and did not hesitate to take advantage of the American dream.

After entering the second half of life, as the children left home, a friend (Mrs. Mark) brought a family member great-Grandmother 伯伯 to church (Chinese Baptist Church). Coming to the United States was like being in exile. When great grandmother伯伯stepped into this Chinese church, her mouth began to salivate. There at long last, she tasted the sights and sounds of familiar language food and culture. Her hunger had been satisfied. She felt she had found her true home. Excited she told the rest of the family -- come and see!!! Initially, Grandpa was staunchly opposed to having grandma leave her seat managing the store, for a whole Sunday morning. Who will serve our customers? Who will support our family? Who will keep the store open?

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Little by little, as other members began to follow and found their way to this newfound adventure, Grandpa saw their growing excitement. After the children pleaded with him to go to church with grandma, he relented just to give grandma a needed break. After a few times attending church, he began to find men just like him, grocery store owners, immigrant families who spoke little English, even some from his home village. Better yet, they had much in common and even offered to help each other out, recommending and purchasing rental properties.

As his attendance in church grew so did his faith. Reading the Bible with other seniors, he realized there was a better way to live. There was unity and meaningful conversations, no arguments, no dissensions. For many years, he had grown detached from his second-generation family. Through support of other seniors in church, Grandpa made earnest strides in re-establishing a warm deeper relationship with his family . Knowing God helped him to know his family and himself and understand each of their needs. Prayer became essential.

He and Grandma began to pray diligently and earnestly. Grandma became the church’s prayer warrior.

Author (Elgin) with grandpa, and grandson.

Together the two became active in senior fellowship. For large gatherings, Grandpa began to cook for the church and his sumptuous BBQ pork became famous and in high demand. Then Grandma joined the choir. It was as if a light bulb came on. This inspired Grandpa to re-discover childhood songs he learned in China and aroused a long and latent love of singing. At that moment, God awakened his heart.

Now entering his 94th birthday, Grandpa was lying in a hospital bed. Tubes were attached to his back to drain fluid. E coli was detected in his lung fluids. The most dangerous thing to do right now is to do nothing. Monitoring his oxygen and heart rate, endless tubes were connected to his arm, to his ankles. Once an independent hard-working man, Grandpa was losing all sense of self-sufficiency.

Leaning onto relationships, he remembered the many times, he was hospitalized for breaking bones, falls and other work-related injuries.

In the intensive care, lying in hospital bed, he began to replay being brought to the hospital. The first reaction was: Praise God, I am blessed. He watched over me. 感謝上帝，祂祝福我，祂看顧我。He saw family, rallying beside him as picture of how he can count on God through family. How God has always provided, intervened in his life -- like the time he fell off the roof; like the time, he and grandma were robbed and locked in the cold storage; like the time he bought foreclosed properties, and had to contend with irate tenants; like the time he set foot in America and was compelled to apply for one child as “paper son”.

Grandma, grandpa with grandson and 2 great grandchildren.

Now he was talking with inexplicable urgency. "Please tell grandson to buy a house and not rent, He has a good job, he has the ability to invest in a house. It’s better that way. Another son should get married. It is not good for a man to be alone. He is not young any more. He needs a companion. Two people can make better decisions together. "

Speaking with urgency, his eyes began to well up while talking about grandma. He urged us to take care of Mom (grandma) … after 76 years of marriage, never being apart, she will be lonely. Tears rolled down his face, eyes quivered with a look of sad abandon. That was the longest conversation I’ve heard from him in hospital.

Grandpa, grandma and 4 generations family.

I could see for the first time, how much family meant to him. This was what kept him going. He possessed a deepened faith in things he could not control and the family that God gave him. As I held Grandpa’s hand, I thanked him for the life he gave us, sacrificially and spiritually. His faith that set an example and went on before us. The promises that the blessings through one man will continue for many generations, those blessings Grandpa passed along to us.

Gingerly, I held his hand, wizened from years of hard manual work, and I thanked him for what his golden years have taught me about life. I realize the choice is simple. It is between the eternal and the temporal, between reconciliation and separation, between the life built on Jesus Christ and the life built on the world. It is a choice between what is True and what is an illusion. Now, it was my turn to let go of his hand. With a prayer and with God’s grace, I gained clarity for my life to move forward.

At the time of this writing, Grandpa had been discharged from the hospital. Sadly, a few weeks later, Grandma went home to be with the Lord. Together she and Grandpa had raised 5 children, begat 18 grandchildren, 10 great-grandchildren. Grandma had completed her work on earth. It was time for her to let go of Grandpa's hand.

Written by Elgin Quan
March 25, 2024

Epilogue: Grandpa went to be with the Father eternally on June 1st, 2024.

Esther LiJune 18, 2024